Hiiii my darlingsssss!!! how’s diwali preparation going on at your end? Thank you so much for your love….
Chapter 9: Rainfall
Keeping my emotions in check has become full time job for me. My mind keeps jumping to the conclusion that he too feels the same for me, but something in my heart giving me intuition that it was going to crushed though. So, telling him wasn’t on my priorities list, at least not now.
Other stuff was going pretty good around me. I never spoke about my realization of feelings for Neil to anyone yet. I had thought of talking to Radz and Nandu, but I finally leave it. I know them they can’t keep their mouth shut, they would announce it to everyone around. I don’t want that to happen because right now I needed my best friend than boyfriend.
Not long after semester break, I started applying for various other universities. Leaving Neil behind, a mere thought was eating me whole. I knew Neil would never actually want me to go to other place, but he never had spoken words to me about it. We could understand without uttering a word.so the idea of leaving him actually paining more than physical pain. He seemed to notice this change in my mood. It was becoming harder and harder to hide my emotions .i have to do something for my feelings or I gonna explode someday.
Sighing, I was discussing my final year project with Mira when Neil came into the garden area where we were seating.
“Hey, Sam, Can we talk for a minute? “
Turning, I looked towards Mira and she smiled taking some papers she left us alone.
I had no idea what Neil has to say to me. I was praying that he wouldn’t ask something that I wasn’t willing to answer.
“Sam, what is going on with you? You have been acting weird and everyone is noticing it…Even Sid and Arjun shares the same difference in you..you haven’t acting like yourself”
He eyes were telling how much confused and pissed off he was.
“I’m fine..just busy and tensed about the final project” I lied while acting of busy reading notes.
“it’s more than that Sam. TALK TO ME” He snatched my notes. His voice was demanding that he want to know all.
“Neil, you can’t fix everything in my life.you know we all have things that bother us and we don’t want to talk about it.Remember I never asked you when it comes to the girls you screwing around. So please leave me alone…”I knew me sounding like b***c but I don’t want him questioning more.
Neil stood shocked with my words and rather angry at me. I wasn’t receiving end of it yet so this avatar of his new for me.
“That is a low blow…especially for you Sam…”
He threw notes paper on my face making them scattered everywhere and leave from there before I could utter a word. Internally, I was kicking myself. How could I be this cruel to hurt whom I love than anything else? I know my tone and words cut him like draggers to the soul. Though he never speaks about his relationships with girls to me but that doesn’t give me any right to hurt him like that…OH GODDD!!!
I sat at that bench for an hour like statue. Hurting him making me pain like hell.
I arrived home when I noticed Neil wasn’t in college. No one was home so I had some piece for a while. I made ice tea for myself and led on couch.
I heard my front door open and closed. Guessing it would be mom or dad..i didn’t moved from couch..
“what did you say to my brother?”
I turned to see Radhika’s cold eyes digging into my soul. She wasn’t angry that much but something went wrong. I turned my gaze at magazine on side table.
“Nothing” I mumbled . I don’t want to discuss everything again.
She came closed to me and sat infront of me. I turned my gaze to avoid her. She saw prospectus of other universities lying on table.
“what is going on? You are planning to leave us behind, right? “
I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her Goa wasn’t a place for me because I was head over heels in love with her brother and wanted nothing more than to be with him, but that was unrealistic.
I couldn’t speak so I went to the window and stood facing it. I heard the floor squeak as she walked across the room and it was then I felt her touch on my shoulder with that I felt tears begin to fall from my eyes.
Radhika make me turned and wiped my tears.
“what is making you cry, Sam? “
“It’s nothing” I lied again
“Don’t lie.you are bad at it..and I bet it has something to do with my brother, right? “
I couldn’t bring my eyes to meet hers. So I kept gazing the floor.
“What did he do? You know I’m little but Chota packet bada dhamaka..(Dynamite comes in small packets…)” with her words smile came on my face. I know Radz and what she is capable of doing to Neil.
“Sam you know me better. Until you tell me what’s the matter I won’t budge…”
Yeah..this is a fact. Radhika is persistent.
Sighing in defeat, I looked at her who was looking at me worriedly.
“I realized about few months ago that I….” I ran the last part as quick as possible, in hopes that she couldn’t hear “ am in love with your brother….”
The next thing I heard her sequel and her latching around my waist.
“OHHH…SAM…we are going to be sisters….i will make sure Neil doesn’t screw this up…..”
“NO!!…Neil isn’t going to find out this. This is why I hadn’t told you before…I don’t want anyone to know this, let everything as it is…don’t tell him please…”
Radhika’s expression changed suddenly into sad one.But in moment, a sad color changed into sparkling one. Meaning that she had something planned about it.
“No..Radhika…whatever you are planning..discard it….”
“You are no fun, Sam…” she mumbled and crashed on sofa “ Sam, you have to tell him. Neil has right to know and make a choice himself….”
I knew she was right but the whole idea of confessing the love to Neil was just too much to handle for me. I threw myself on sofa and stared at her for a moment.
“Sam, the worse thing he can say that he doesn’t love you..but you should no he care for you…even he can’t say it or described it to anyone…especially to himself…”
I know Neil deeply cared for me or he wouldn’t have told Lara that he would always choose me over anyone.
“Thanks Radz for talking to me….I need some time to think though…”
She stood and came over to me to give slight hug and left. I stared at the window, wind was blowing seemed soon sky gonna started pouring.
It was then something inside me triggered and I decided to tell him. I grabbed my hoodie jacket and igniting my scooty, I left toward Malhotra Mansion.
As I parked my scooty in yard, I notice the lights of his garage were on. I ran over there.
Pushing the door open, I saw him leaning over the car engine. He saw me, His expression was unreadable.
“I’m sorry for being b***c earlier…” I apologized
“I just wish you would talk to me, Saminder singh….I’m worried about you….” His voice was calm and soothing.
The feeling of anxiety started creeping inside me. I knew I had to tell him…it was now or never.
“ Neil, I need to talk to you about something….” My voice was shaky and I was even sweating little.
He put down his tools and placed stool infront me and sat on it. I sat down on the couch. his eyes showed that his full attention completely on me at that moment.
I thought for a moment. How do I start this? Do I just blurt it out and sees how things turn up…Oh god please help me….
“when I went for tournament, Mira told me Aarav likes me…and wants to date me”
Neil’s expression changed, at one point, I could have seen rage flicker there.
I continued “ I was little freaked out and started to over think about it…”
“tha’s isn’t anything new Sam…..” he chuckled. He started laughing now.
Taking a deep breath, I thought for a moment. This was the moment, the moment I feared for months, now I was going to empty that burden, my heart was at its edge.
“ Neil…I thought that shouldn’t matter to me because I am….I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU….I LOVE YOU NEIL”
The words sounded strange coming out from my mouth. But it was awesome and very pleasant feeling confessing your love. My heart was flattering like thousand roses blossoming on my cheek. Finally I said those three magical words to him..I couldn’t bring my eyes to look at him. I was terrified. When I did I couldn’t explain what I saw.
He looked indifferent. It was clear that his mind was turning upside down, but his expression doesn’t show anything. His eyes finally come to meet mine, his word doesn’t have shocked me but they still hurt.
“Sam..You know I love you….but I’m not in love with you….when I said you aren’t my type that means you are my friend. I couldn’t think of you anything else. You are sweet girl; guys like me hurt girls like you. I would never want to take a chance that I would hurt you and lose you. You are my best friend I could ask for, and please don’t be hurt by this. I never want you to hurt…..”
I couldn’t think clearly now. I knew what I had heard and it was exactly what I expected from him. He didn’t return the feelings and he wasn’t in love with me. He was rejecting me.. I felt like complete fool for spilling my guts to him. It was then I felt that tears beginning to fall from my eyes.
“I have to go, Neil. Mom would have been waiting for me…” I yelled and I turned and ran out of the door. I wasn’t going to let him watch me cry or try to comfort me. Pity me.. I couldn’t handle it.
As I pushed open the door, rain has begun to fall. The droplet was huge and started to hit me hard on my skin.
“Sam…wait…don’t leave…” Neil yelled from behind me…
I grabbed my scooty and turned it fast before he could reach me. I saw his eyes, filled with worry…but I didn’t want his worry. I needed some time alone.
As soon as he was out of sight, tears started to tumble down and stream down my face.The word sadness couldn’t described what I was felt in that moment. I was shattered and completely heart broken. Why would a guy like Neil would love me? They don’t and I knew it though I did this stupidity of confessing.
The rain fall was getting faster and it was getting hard to see, especially when you are trying to see while you are crying. With rain fall, my tears also flowing in full speed. The more I tried to stop them, the more they come. I had made fool out of myself to the person who was very center of my small universe, my soul mate.
I finally arrived at home. It was then I laid my head on down against the scooty’s front and cried without any fear of anyone caring or seeing me. The tears were filled of every emotion that human can understand. Anger, sadness, hurt, hopelessness and list went on and on. The main question was that I ruined my friendship with Neil by confessing..fear of losing my best friend shattering me the core. Would he still be there as my best friend?
It was then I realized I was at my home. I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to look presentable else mom would questioned me though I was looking complete mess. I started walking towards the front door. The rain was still falling down. I turned my face towards sky and let rain fall on my face and make my skin cool and numb. That what I wanted to feel numb.
It was then I remember mom’s words about rain..Rain is the tears of higher power Sam. You see them when god is sad. I looked up to see that higher power.
I quickly got into my room after answering few question of mom. I changed into daily cloths.
I lay on my bed, in that second, I made choice. My friend was important. So the feeling for him was going to be sealed deep inside my heart. I was going to be his friend if he still wanted me. I would never bring it again and may be would act as if I never said anything.
So in that moment, I pushed away the Love, and craved the friend, for that was all I meant for..nothing more. Just the best friend….
Godddd..I want to punch Neil..how many of you feeling the same??
So missing Neil’s pov na…Next chaper is going to be that…we are going to find out what is going on now that he knows Sam Is in love with him….. and ofcourse Radhika’s reaction about what he has done.
Please let me know your reviews….Am I boring you guys? Please comment…Agar pasand nahi aaraha hai to daato par kuch bolo….hehe..little demanding..
I will be quite busy in Diwali preparations so next update will take little late to get post…
Wishing happy , safe and prosperous Diwali to all of you.. …Stay Khush!!
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